Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
