I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
