I will die if light touches me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
