I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
