i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
