I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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