It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
