Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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