threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
