I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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