I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
