I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
