if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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