i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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