What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
