My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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