I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
