I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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