Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
