I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
