instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
