obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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