I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
