Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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