Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
