I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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