last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
