I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
