I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
