Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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