My friends, they love my intelligence
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
