i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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