My first STD was from a foam party
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
