you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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