You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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