im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
