the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
