I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
