i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
