I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
