I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
