the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
