God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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