1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
