he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
