I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
