I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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