based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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