I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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