Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
