Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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