Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
