I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
