was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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