i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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